Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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