So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
