Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
