I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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