I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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