the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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