Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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