Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
