Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's shark week go big or go home
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
