Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Randomize
