I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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