If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
