Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
