im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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