Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
