so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
