I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
