Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
