I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
