Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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