At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
