My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
