Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I cockslap morals
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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