I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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