chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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