Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
