Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
