My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
