if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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