I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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