I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You made out with two different species that night
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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