the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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