I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
