Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
