She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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