My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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