blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
