I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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