hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
