I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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