I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
