Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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