So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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