i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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