whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
