I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
