My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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