It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
