You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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