Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
