Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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