I am puke
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
