We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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