Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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