i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
