cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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