We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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