I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
