I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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